I am in college and started friends with whom I communicate exclusively in the same place. We went to a cafe twice with them, but we have no joint walks, and we have no one for communication (except for study). I have a boyfriend, I walk only with him, we walk to all sorts of places. But I still want to make friends with common interests in order to go somewhere together and attend different events. Roughly speaking, I want to have a circle of communication wider than only a guy and relatives.
I consider the main problem the fear of condemning people. I can’t calmly ask the seller in the store, ask about something from classmates or teachers, and if I do this, then with great difficulty and blushing. Because of this, I and I have real friends, and in general I look strange, if I need to know something, go somewhere-everything is only with a guy, everything is through him.
For me, this state of things has long been disgusting, but I do not know what to do with it. I understand that it is impossible to live like this, very painful. But how to cope with this and not be afraid of people?
Daria, perhaps you will be surprised, but the fear of condemnation is one of the most common human fears. Reflections on what others will think, and a craving for social approval is part of the human person since ancient times. Then it was necessary for survival in the tribe.
Ancient times have passed, and the consequences remained. The reptile brain – part of the brain that is responsible for survival – still considers it necessary to constantly look back at the opinion and assessment of others.
All this is reinforced by the principle of a “positive stimulus”, which our parents unconsciously used in education Such – to praise the child if he corresponds to expectations, and punish if he does not correspond.
In the modern world, the fear of condemnation is completely irrational, unproductive and strongly interferes with a happy life. And it seems you felt it on yourself.
Think about the fact that the assessment of others is just their personal opinion, which is formed from childhood from habits and attitudes that can be absurd. So, this assessment may not correspond to reality.
And also think about what cases criticism usually hurts. For example, if you are sure that you know mathematics better than all students, because you have the highest points – doubts less successful in this subject of a classmate will most likely seem ridiculous.
But if you yourself doubt it, then any remark is able. It seems that you are assigning the opinion of other people too much significance. It seems to you that their words are true. This means that you are constantly executing yourself, you are ashamed of yourself.
To cope with this, in order to make friends and not be afraid to communicate, you need to work with self -esteem, self -identity and self -identity. Build internal supports and return their own value. It is best to do this in therapy with a psychologist – do not hesitate, this will greatly improve the quality of your life.
In addition, you can do a simple exercise.
Remember the offensive remarks that they once told you, or imagine what they can tell you in situations that scare you-and dispute these comments. Imagine that you are a lawyer who needs to protect your client. This will allow you to look at the situation from another angle and weaken the alarm.